Wednesday, April 28, 2010

It's a boy

We found out Monday at 16 weeks that we are having our 2nd little boy. I am happy for Milo that he will have a brother to play with but as far as how I feel... well I'm sad. I won't lie I wanted a girl, I've always wanted a girl. It's not that I don't love Milo, I do and I would never trade him but I have always wanted a girl. This will be our last baby and I am sad I will never know what it is like to have a daughter. I'll never get to dress up a little girl in bows and tutu's and dresses, or paint anything pink, plan a wedding or see my little girl trying on wedding gowns, or be involved in my girl's pregnancies (cause lets face it Daughter-in-laws usually don't want their mother-in-laws anywhere near them when they are pregnant). I'm sad I'll miss out on all of that. Mostly I think I'm sad that I'll never have a child who loves the things that I love. As Chris put it, when he thought of playing with a little girl he thought of tea parties, dress up and dolls and the thought of loosing that wasn't bad because he doesn't love those things. But I do, so the thought of never having a child that loves those things too makes me sad. Basically it's just the lose of a dream.

BUT I am happy for my son. He'll have a brother to play with, someone who can share his same interests and loves and who, hopefully, he will share a life long bond with. We wanted to have the 2nd child because I lost my brother whom I was very close to. When he died I lost more than just a brother, I lost a record of my childhood, someone who knew all the inside family jokes and understood where I was coming from on things simply because he was raised in the same household. It's been 6 1/2 years since he died and I grieve him still. So because I know what it's like to have a sibling you are close to and loosing him showed me just how important that connection with another person can be I wanted that for my son. I know it may not happen but even the possibility it could was worth having another child. So I am happy for Milo and I think that being two boys makes the potential for the close sibling bond I want for him even more possible.